Leaving...

I told Miss Tian that I am leaving yesterday.

To my surprise, she does not have much response. In fact, she wished me all the best. Perhaps she already has mental preparation when I told her last time. Immediately in the same afternoon, she called all Managers and me to discuss on the job delegation. I know it is correct and normal to do so, but... I just can’t help but felt really sad listening to it...

The idea of "I am leaving here!!" just hit me hard on the head. I suddenly feel really sad to leave here, leaving a place where I have worked and grew for 1 year and 3 months; leaving a bunch of colleagues who have treated me really well; leaving bosses who really helped me to grow...

I start feeling left out from all the decision making process; I start feeling left out from all the meetings. Now, it seems like the only thing I should focus on is to tidy up all the files and documents. It makes me really sad and uncomfortable...

I know there is already no return; I know I make my own decision; I know I should look forward; I know I should not feel regret on the decisions that I have made; I know I should be stronger... But, it is really hard. It is so difficult that it hurts me when I try...

I try to stay happy; I try to look happy; I try to convince myself that I want to leave; I try to show people that the next job is better; I try to convince myself that next job is better; I try to convince myself that the there is more opportunities in next company; I try to convince myself... I will be able to find better friends in the other companies...

Trying is really tiring... I am feeling so tired that I don't know what I do... I try to pull myself up... I try to run away from these negative thinking... But... nothing seems to be working... I still stuck here, in here…